Don’t Like: Jay Mariotti

Hilarious picture.

Jay Mariotti is a columnist of the Chicago Sun-Times and a daily guest on ESPN’s Around The Horn. He’s also an insufferable know it all who knows nothing about the nuance of sports. He is a wholly reactionary figure who will swing whichever way the way wind is blowing around. He’s not stupid or anything, he’s just makes completely blatant assumptions based ONLY on final results. It’s part of the growing trends of sports writers where they’ll be contrarian just for the sake of it or completely fair-weather and call for completely asinine moves from front offices. You’re a journalist and that is a sometimes-privilege of your job. You’re supposed to give insight we don’t know about you blowhard.

Perfect example: Today he said that the Suns have to fire exceptional coach Mike DiAntoni and actually tried to give an example. He mentioned that Steve Kerr gave a suggestion on how to use Shaq in a certain situation and DiAntoni disagreed and this is obvious sign of dysfunction.

Luckily Jackie Mac was there to completely beat his ass down and point out that this is part of the DAILY EXCHANGE of every single GM and coach in the league. This happens every single day between GMs and coaches and a lot of times it gets testy. But see Mariotti wouldn’t know that cause he doesn’t spend any time with actual teams. You know, the stuff actual sports journalists do. He sits in his Chicago office and appears on Around The Horn spouting off whatever dumb, reactionary opinion he gets from trolling the internet. It’s disgusting. DiAntoni is fantastic coach and apparent Mariotti thinks catching bad breaks and losing to arguably the best team in the league means that he should be fired.

Gah, it’s infuriating. What a complete idiot. And at least Woody Paige knows he’s an idiot.

Like: Roy Halladay/Last Night’s Red Sox Game

I love Roy Halladay. He’s completely awesome and total throwback to when pitchers actually pitched deep into games (and subsequently had like 3 year careers before injury). I mean he pitches complete games constantly. His last four games have been complete games. UNHEARD OF today. He has a devastating sinker and throws nothing but strikes.  He even throws complete games when he’s losing (he’s lost 3 of those last 4 games). Why? No balls means hitters swing early and he keeps his pitch count down. It’s so wonderful to watch even if it means little excitement in back and forth scoring.

Any crap, he went up against the Red Sox last night and Jon Lester went 8 innings against him in a genuine old-school pitcher’s duel. I was fucking loving it. Through 8 innings it was a 1 hitter/3 Walks (Lester) to a 2 hitter (Halladay). In the 8th Lester had two great strikeouts and Dustin Pedroia saved a run with a fantastic play up the middle. Paps came in during the 9th (Lester was at 98 pitches and exited on a great note) which means Tito was going into “we’re ending this now.” Low and behold, Papi and Manny both get on base in the bottom of the ninth. Immediately I question Tito not putting in a pinch runner on 2nd.

Seriously, it made no sense. Not wanting to take away Ortiz’s bat? You already brought in Paps to put it to bed and now you want to save Ortiz’s bat for 3 innings from now? Totally contrary. Youk hits a bloop single and there’s bum-kneed Ortiz chugging around with a good chance to be thrown out. I’m gasping and fearing for Tito’s life on that non-pinch runner. Luckily, Wells bobbles it and it’s game over walk-off style. Just awesome.

Not so awesome for Roy Halladay who loses another easy win. If the jays could just score a freaking run or two he’d be unbeatable. If he was on the Yankees this man would be a god and they’d be naming the new stadium after him. But he plays in Hockey land and casual fans have no idea who the hell he is. He’s probably the best pitcher in baseball but whatever.

He was not happy when Wells bobbled it and obviously swore. Puddy thinks he said “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” which is probably correct. I like to think he said “I’m going to stab your kidney in the shower. WATCH OUT!”

Don’t Like: The San Antonio Spurs

I just can’t. Not after they beat the Suns that way. I mean I certainly a great team with a great skill set. They’re professional in their offense. Their game works like clockwork. I really respect that part of their game and it’s hard not to if you really love basketball.

The part of their game that sucks? The flopping. The whining. The Tim Duncans tripping over their own legs and then rubbing their knees like their hurt only after Shaq “tripped him”. The Manu brand flops. The fact that now the entire team does it. They’re turned into a French soccer team (minus zidane I guess). It’s insane horseshit frankly. This is a sport that used to pride itself on its more bruiser-type elements has become the sport of ninnies. And the Spurs have bought into that mentality wholesale. Worse, they have a guy defensive annoyer in Bowen who’s a total throwback but now just seems sneaky and out of place. He’d be great as a piston I still maintain. I really don’t mind Bowen it’s just his role on THAT team that reeks of hypocrisy. I love POP and yet the Hack-A-Shaq thing has me even hating HIM now.

Gah.

Boo Spurs.

Like: That Paul Brought Dunkin Donuts Coffee to Work

Today’s gonna be a love fest. I just know it. Paul brought in grinds of Dunkin Donuts this morning. I’m already on my 2nd cup. It’s just fantastic. West coasters don’t understand. For some reason they like drinking StarBURNTASSBEANSBucks that cost 5 dollars a pop. East coasters also don’t understand cause they’re immersed in the world of the double D. But the east coasters on the west understand. This is indeed a special day. It’s pretty much the only time I still drink coffee. Oh happy day.

Time for a 3rd Cup.

Don’t Like: Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Joba Chamberlain

I love the idea there’s a couple of young Yankee pitchers I can openly root to fail miserably. They’re the “future of the franchise” and right now they’re pretty much sucking it up. They seem to be dealing poorly with the pressures of New York and the fact that they passed on Johan Santana and bet the farm on these guys makes it all the sweeter.

Joba’s actually good though. Let’s be honest, he’s throwing lights out. The great thing about him though is  he just has that perfect “I hate that guy” look. Red Sox fans know what I’m talking about it. It’s just a look. Paul O’Neil had it.  It’s a mix off huffy/way too serious/i’m awesome that’s infuriating. Of course Yankees fans just see the opposite and think I’m insane. They see tough/no-nonsense/gritty players who are emotionally involved. How can they hate Joba? He must just be jealous! But that’s not it. Yankees fans, you know how you absolutely hate Kevin Youkilis? That’s how we feel about Joba.  And that tough/gritty thing is exactly how we see Youk. Weird huh?

Look, I love pitching. I understand how incredibly difficult it is and how difficult it is to pitch with consistency in the majors. I admire Joba’s talent and like Hughes and Kennedy’s “stuff”. But it’s really about the uniform. And this is just a joke. Anyone who takes the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry seriously is treading into the inane. I like the rivalry cause it’s fun It’s fun to see Hank Steinbrenner stammer around being an attention whore. It’s fun to see a team that decimated your childhood team come to fail in later years. It’s just amusing. So there.

Like: England! The United Kingdom! Scotland! Ireland!

This is a English/UK website and as such, many of the people who use it are from the UK. I am from America, but I just wanted to take a moment and show my appreciation to all my English readers who are quite diligent, respectful, and simply great to the site.

I just love the UK. I really do. I like London. Easily one of my favorite cities. I like Tottenham Hotspur. I like fish and chips not because I’m a stupid American tourist, but because they’re delicious. I like spelling colour with a U.  I like Kate Nash. I like Lily Allen. I like Steve Jones. I like Daniel Day-Lewis. I like the Beatles… I like pretty much all of England.

I like Scotland. I’m of Scottish ancestry. My last name means “red shale”.  I own a kilt. I can do a pretty gnarly Scottish accent. I love the landscape. I’ve actually eaten haggis and didn’t find it thoroughly awful. I’ve done the highland games.

I like Ireland. I love Jameson whiskey. I like Guinness, good Guinness, not the shitty kind. I like Galway.

Wales… meh. Who cares about Wales?

Don’t Like: Getting Punched in the Kidney

A few minutes ago I was stretching and walking backwards and backed right into a sharp, heavy metal corner. It was more of dull, deep hurty feeling then a stabby feeling, but it totally reminded me of how I used to get punched in the kidney all the time. This happened a lot because I had an older brother and it was the odd fixation of my friends when were horsing around. It totally sucked and then they make the obligatory “pissing blood for a week” joke.

My friends were cruel, ignorant bastards.

And yes, I’m aware the guy in the picture above is getting stabbed and not punched.

Like: Genuine Anti-Irish-American Racism

I should clarify and say it’s more amusing than something I like.

At it’s best, it’s an outdated reference like the stuff you find in The Simpsons where grandpa will say a tradition started as “mostly an excuse to beat up the Irish”. For good reason you can get away with that over making of fun of other ethnic groups, because no one in their right mind can take that seriously.

But the modern equivalent is also thoroughly hilarious. Growing up “Irish Catholic” in Boston (I’m actually more scottish but whatever), you end up witnessing a lot of Italian American people hate genuinely hate the Irish American people and vice-versa. There for no discernible reason either… at least no good discernible reason. Hell, both sides are the same religion even. The whole thing probably stems from territorial issues and job competition when both groups landed here, but that hardly matters now. Now it’s just meatheads beating each other up in bars. Usually it’s over some monumentally small slight like “accidentally being too close to someone in a crowded bar” or “saying hi to a girl you’re friends with”.

No matter what, it’s just hilarious. Keep taking life too seriously folks!

“Know what’s the most racist city on Earth? Boston. I was in Boston and say two Italian guys beat the crap out of an Irish guy and was like DAMN. These guys are specific.” - Dave Chappelle

Don’t Like: That Mike Jacobs Doesn’t Play Catcher

Mike Jacobs is like by 3rd best fantasy guy and also my 3rd first basemen. The rest of my offense is crappy. Really crappy. Why can’t he play catcher? Kenji Johjima has like 26 points on the year. That uber-sucks.

I guess I should trade his ass?

Don’t Mind (New Category!): Going #2 At Work

“Love means sneaking down to the Burger King below his building to use the toilet!” - Jane Krakowski on last night’s 30 Rock.

I’m at the age in my life were I’m starting to care less and less about social fears. And let’s be honest, the issue of pooping at work doesn’t deal with social modesty, it’s social fear. Everybody poops so the saying goes and yet there’s still this ridiculous social fear of pooping within a 20 mile radius of someone you know. I know a litany of people who would rather pass a stone then poop with a known person in the vicinity. For some reason, this is mistaken for social modesty; like the idea to do anything but behave like this is gross and uncouth. Chances are someone reading this who knows me is even a little uncomfortable/completely grossed out by this post.

Yes, pooping is gross. It’s also occasionally funny in movies depending on level of inanity. Moreso, everybody does it and the idea that I should be shamed for really having to go to the bathroom kinda sucks. Screw that. I don’t worry about it. I go. I do my business. I don’t advertise. But I refuse to walk back the other way so people don’t think I pooped. Tons of people do that and I refuse. It’s like 4X’s the distance.

Bookstore Guy: “Well there’s Everybody Poops, the less popular Nobody Poops But You” Peter: “Well, we’re Catholic” Bookstore Guy: “Oh well, you want You’re a Naughty Child and that’s Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back of You” - Family Guy

… I was raised Catholic.