Like: The High Holidays

Why?

Well, aside from my approaching foray into Judaism (which i may tackle in a like at some point later), there’s a much more simple and incredibly selfish reason to love the High Holidays in Los Angeles:

There’s no traffic.

Seriously. It takes me roughly 35 min (on an awesome day) to 50 min on average to get to work.

Today, on Rosh Hashanah?

17 minutes.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Happy New Year Everyone!

(note: the only time I had a quicker commute was during the immigrant rights march where the entire hispanic population of the city congregated downtown. This was not nearly enough to change my pro-immigrant rights stance I guarantee you… but I don’t think it helped the cause since there were a good lot of people talking about how great it was to have no commute.)

Like: This Email Spreading Around L.A. like Wildfire!

FWD:

Hey Ryan-

I’m sorry, b/c I’m covering for Lindsey’s usual asst., could you tell me, who’s Rosh Hashanah and why would he/she affect Kristi’s meeting with KN and MC?

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

Michelle

In case you’re curious, this is the answer:

Hate with the Passion of a Thousand Suns: That People Are Just Now Realizing That Borrowing Money From China For 7 Years To Float Our Economy Was A Horrible, Horrible Idea. Thanks W.

This.

http://www.reuters.com/article/marketsNews/idUSPEK16693720080925
Now what America? Good thing we’ve been building up a surplus the last few years to deal with these emergencies.

Wait. We didn’t?

We’ve been spending it on WHAT????????????????????

[looks down to ground]

Remember when everyone was making fun of Gore’s “lockbox”?

… yeah… this is what that was about.

Don’t Like: That I Can’t Watch The Football Games I Want

I live in Los Angeles.

I grew up in Boston.

I really like the four Boston sports teams. Always have. Always will.

I have basic cable. I don’t have direct tv. I don’t have NFL sunday ticket. Why? Because I can’t afford it. Probably at some point in the next few years I’ll be able to waste an inordinate amount of money on that but right now I can’t.

So I figure I can get a few games of the Pats this year because they still have a bunch of nationally syndicated games.

Better yet, Los Angeles doesn’t have a home football team so that should be easy right?

Yeah except for some reason the NFL counts the SAN DIEGO chargers as a home team AND the OAKLAND Raiders as a home team.

Fuck it, why not the St. Louis Rams while they’re at it?

FUCK YOU NFL broadcasts, with your dumb monopolies. The bad kind… not the game.

Like: The “Definitely” Joke

This one comes to us via my brother…

A teacher is teaching her class of elementary school students the meaning of the word “definitely.” To engage them, she asks for an example of the correct usage.

Billy raises his hand and says “trees are definitely green!”

And the teacher responds, “Hmmm. Trees are sometimes green, but their bark is brown and their leaves can change color in the fall.”

Next, Sally raises her hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue!”

Once again the teacher shakes her head and says, “No sally, the sky can sometimes be overcast and gray.”

Then little Peter raises his hand and teacher calls on him.

“Are farts lumpy?” he asks.

The teacher is slightly confused.

“Um no peter, they’re not” Teacher responds.

Peter nods, “okay then i definitely shit my pants”

Like: Additional Badasses (Part II)

Per popularity of the other column. Here’s more awesome badasses that were suggested…

Ronnie Brown – and we will never speak of it again

Dumbledore – it helps that Michael Gambon is a total badass too. But this guy would kick your ass in a barfight, only use magic to clean the bloodstains up, and then have sex with your father… In front of your friend. People would be so imperssed he’d get high fives.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Yeah I said it, want to fight or something? This chick was badass.

M.I.A. – lyrical sampling: “I fly like paper, get high like planes / If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name.” or “All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!) / And (KKKAAAA CHING!) / And take your money” or “No one on the corner has swagger like us / Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless / We pack and deliver like UPS trucks / Already going hell just pumping that gas” OR “Third world democracy / Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B. / So, uh, no funny business” ORRRRRRRRRR “Some some some / I some I murder / Some I some I let go”

… so M.I.A. is a total murdering, drug dealing badass who tops the charts, has a terrorist dad (not really), and models for Marc Jacobs… look at the rest of us… we’re all lame.

Rorschach! – Go read Watchmen and you’ll understand. It’s the best deconstruction of the vigilante… well, ever. Ssssssssssssssorry The Dark Knight.

Don’t Like: John McCain’s Wonderfully Enlightened Approach To Health Care

http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/19/mccain-on-banking-and-health/

I mean really? I don’t understand this “healthy competition” line that the repubs keep pulling out. That’s not exactly how things work out these days especially when compainies are operating on national levels and the failure of a massive corporation is anything but “healthy.” Can someone please explain this to me? How in their right minds can they keep talking like this?

Especially since a free market economy is based on the tantamount of easy entrance/easy exit, similar quality of “goods”, and no coercion. Yet Republicans treat trans-global corporations just as if they’re any other business, where their collapse is just as meaningless as the fall of the corner store (which is also important, but more culturally). Never mind, that these institutions (ESPECIALLY banking, housing, and health care) have sooooooo many people and other organizations who are directly tied into their success, that the entire system starts collapsing when one goes down. But hey, fuck it! Healthy competition!

It’s ignorance at its most staggering. I’m no market socialist by any means, but just look at all the post-war administrations and the stock market AND misery indexes ALWAYS perform better under democratic leadership. It’s an un-debatable fact.

And yet the Republicans are “good” for the economy. Nope. They’re good for the alpha wolves every ten years or so and encourage top market growth, but when it goes unchecked for 7 years it leads to utter collapse. (The same exact thing happened in Reagan’s 7th year).

It’s absurd. It’s laughable. And yet people keep perpetuating it.

Damn I’m angry right now… sorry.

Like: That I Got Free Coffee Today!

All because I knew the answer to a trivia question: what planet is closest to the sun?
The answer is Mercury!

I asked the guy if he had given away a lot of cups of coffee this morning and he shook his head sadly. “everyone keeps saying earth, I even had to put up an A, B, C”

I looked to my right, there was even “A. Venus. B. Earth. C. Mercury”

I looked back at him, “yeah…” is all he said.

But oh well, sorry humanity, i gots free coffee!

Don’t Like: People Telling Me I Have to Read Atlas Shrugged

Hint: I don’t.

For the uninitiated, Atlas Shrugged is a book by Ayn Rand. Let’s go to wiki: “first published in 1957 in the United States. It was Rand’s last work of fiction before concentrating her writings exclusively on philosophy, politics and cultural criticism. At over one thousand pages in length, she considered it her magnum opus.^[1] Also, at approximately 645,000 words, Atlas Shrugged is one of the longest novels ever written in any European language. The book explores a number of philosophical themes that Rand would subsequently develop into the philosophy of Objectivism.^[2][3]“

Now.

My problem with Atlas Shrugged is not its length. Not liking a book because it is long, is well, stupid. One of the Harry Potters is 800+ pages for pete’s sake.  So why don’t I like it? I’ve actually tried to read Atlas Shrugged before and I got about a third of the way before deciding the whole endeavor is a waste of my time.

But how can I have an opinion then? How hypocritical of me to lambaste a book I haven’t even fully read.

Really, it’s because of the whole Objectivism thing. My smart friend Kevin can articulate his feelings/disdain/what have you toward Objectivism much better than I can. I tend to lump it in with my feelings of disdain for libertarianism, but this is kind of it’s own special brand of dumb.  In short, it’s a philosophy that combines   metaphysics, epistemology, ethics, politics, and aesthetics as a way of justifying why you don’t want to pay taxes.

Okay, not exactly what it ends up saying, but it kind of is the end result. To Rand’s credit, you have to be pretty intellectual to understand the whole affair. It’s tricky, but it’s basically a version of philosophical libertarianism that doesn’t have the courage to outright dismiss the collective concept and instead opts for a completely nonsensical reason for how acting selfish really is good for other people.

Whatever, Ayn. If that is your real name.

I could discuss this all in actual detail, but I’m going to got a read a book I like now.

Like: Total Badasses

The Following people were total badasses:

Teddy Roosevelt (president, soldier, bad-ass, probable racist)

Muthafuckin’ Omar (stick-up man)

Mean Joe Greene (his name is mean for f-ing sake)

Bob Gibson (he would drill his own players in batting practice)

Ogie Oglethorpe

John Matrix

Han Solo

Truckasuarus

Ghengis Khan

The Asian Cobra

Marburg

Throwing Stars (no link necessary)

Muldoon

And please, more suggestions for bad asses!