Don’t Like: Mass Effect

http://www.platformnation.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/mass-effect.jpg

 

I like video games a whole bunch. I don’t discuss them too much here. I like to think I’m a sort of casual/hardcore gamer. Okay that doesn’t make sense. Basically, I don’t play night and day, but when I get a few hours of down time I like to sit back and play the one game I’ve been playing for the last few weeks or so.

I have a general like of shooters. Mostly because some of the best games that have been made in recent years have indeed been shooters (Halo, Call or Duty 4, Bioshock). Halo, while being a muck of an overall story, does indeed have the best shooter engine and physics ever. That’s the reason the multiplayer is so beloved, it’s just so fluid and telling. COD 4 meanwhile is such a wonderfully immersive game, with great goosebumpy moments. And Bioshock is my favorite, not much replayability, but such great art design and some really story/thematic points to boot (it’s a criticism of Randian Objectivism, perhaps it was made just for me).

But most of all I love RPGs. I’m a sucker for story and immersion. I just am.

I particularly love the final fantasy series. Yeah, I completely understand that the series has a real particular set of flaws, most stemming from the fact it is uber-japanese themes and eastern storytelling, but they’re awfully unique even in their samey qualities. And they have the scope not just of a novel, but an entire series of novels. Outside of the FF series, I also have particular love of the elder scrolls series (Oblivion!) and their other revamp of Fallout 3, which took the same exact engine as Oblivion and managed to make a completely different feeling experience. Fallout 3 is just fantastic.

Which brings us to Mass Effect and it’s RPG/shooter hybrid shittyness.

First note, I’ve played Bioware games before. I’ve played the KOTOR series and thought they were pretty good-ish. It definitely lacking some of the organic qualities i loved in the eldar scroll and ff series, but it was essentially interesting storytelling. Then again I tend overvalue any star wars property and grade it a full letter grades above where it should be. When you like everything about a particular universe it’s just more fun. What can I say?

So I was very excited for Mass Effect, I’ve gone a long time without getting and heard some very good things … and now, having beat it… I am very, very, very disappointed. I seriously have no understanding of how it got that kind of love. It’s exceedingly repetitive. Go here. Find this base. Kill this thing. Seriously, the side missions are especially meaningles. People complained about Oblivion and those missions were terribly unique compared to this stuff.

And don’t even get me started on the sameness of the design. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Every cave, every planet, every mine, they’re all the exact same. Seriously, THE EXACT SAME MAP. Sometimes the same exact box layout. It makes every mission a paint by numbers exercize. And believe me, I’m a completionist when it comes to my gaming so it’s very, very boring.

In terms of story I didn’t give a shit about anyone, usually Bioware is a tad better than that even with it’s generic clunkiness. I could tell you every story beat right before it happened.

This hilarious chart is completely accurate.

I’m sorry, but it’s true. And Bioware doesn’t seem to get it either.

Look, I know and understand Cambellian Hero Story analysis just like everyone else whose been in high school. It’s great and is responsible for so many great stories. But it’s not a lame excuse for paint by numbers storytelling. With this generation it’s become the most lazy storytelling exercise in the world, because they just make a beat for beat version of Star Wars and claim it’s the Cambellian Hero Story! No it’s not, what makes those stories unique is originality of detail and way you make the story seem as if it’s different, not how strictly you adhere to it.  There’s virtually no distinction in HOW you emphasize those story telling points anymore and it Mass Effect was the best example.

What stinks about that is that the scope of Mass Effect is great, the sheer idea for building a fully explorable universe has just fantastic possibilities and the shooter aspect was actually pretty well executed, which makes the fact that it’s eventually a boring, pointless game all the more annoying. Look, I understandd how much it took to build something so big in scope, but when it came to subtle execution in giving each little corner it’s own distinction (and HELL a reason to even go there!) all we get is long semi-amusing paragraphs written about the planet. And for character? You ever hear of show don’t tell? Well instead of getting to see that character’s story in some fashion (you get in FF) or have it play into the story in some fashions (KOTOR, Elder Scrolls), the character’s background is just explained to you in the most boring dialogue options. Tali’s plight made me want to shoot myself in the face.

I’m sorry but it’s a lazy, lazy game in the end.

Compare it to the Final Fantasy series where the whole thing strings along in a fluid series of vignettes and starkly different looking environments and goals, and employs weird reality-dream-bending methods of storytelling… Some people don’t dig it and think it’s weird and I totally understandthat , but the last thing you can accuse the story telling of being is lazy.

I get it’s a matter of taste and what not, but COME ON. Bioware just keeps making the same-ish sort of game. I don’t get the universal adoration. Hell, Fallout 3 used the same exact engine as Oblivion and it managed to feel exceedingly different, all because of the nuance of detail. Even recent shooters like COD4 and Bioshock felt more like interesting stories, because they were organic, fluid, and detailed. The details are everything in video games and Mass Effect opted for the sparse boring map. Anytime a RPG gets shown up by a shooter is a big warning flag to me.

And look I’ll eat my hat if ME 2 improves on any of the repetitive qualities and the entire game was excuse to build an engine, but seriously. I don’t get it.

The ability to say something sarcastic in every dialogue option, does not a great game make.

Don’t Like: Dealing With A Nuance In Beauracracy

There’s nothing more banal that complaining about bureaucracy. I admit this. It’s like a stand-up comedian bitching about lines at the DMV. It’s nothing but maturbatory self-aggrandizing. But lately I’ve been once again thrust into my yearly scenario of having to explain to justify to other human beings that my car is fully operational, clean-running, and fit for driving.

First off, I say this not, but because my car is a piece of crap that doesn’t pass the eyeball test. It totally does.  You would never think there’s a problem with it. It’s 1999 toyota camry that’s clean, runs great, and is excellent condition. On top of that it meets all the standards of Los Angeles emissions tests.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that the 1999 toyota camry has a well-documented problem of the check engine light coming on and reporting an “ERG” flow problem… only there is no problem, everything is in perfect working order. It took my mother and her mechanic back home a whole year to figure this out. They diagnosed the problem and she promptly searched the internet and discovered that many others have had the same problem. So she would take it to her mechanic at her convenience when the light would come on, he would check to be sure that that was the problem, and then shut the light off. It was great.

I have since bought the car from her and been using it here in Los Angeles. Thankfullly, I was hyper-aware of this problem already. So the time came where I had to take it to a shop for it’s due maintenence and repair and was not only promptly told I had an ERG flow problem, but that the car was undrivable without it being fixed. A massive discussion took place. The person was convinced there was an actual problem and I documented my case against it. He was positive that it wasn’t and gave me a whole list of reasons why I needed a set of repairs to A, B, C, and D. I took it to three other mechanics and they all said the same thing.

So I got the ERG flow system replaced for 1000 dollars. The day after the work was completed the light came back on. And yes, of coures the ERG flow was in the indicated problem. “Well that’s weird! Must be this other problem.” was his response. I typically do not yell. I can’t remember ever yelling at a service person before. There is just no need and there wasn’t even a need for it then. But here I yelled. I was angry because everyone refused to listen to me. I’m not a mechanic and I’m not a nave when it comes to cars either. Unfortunately the mechanic shop was part of a big chain and my feeble attempts to take them to small claims court was met with upstanding resistence, and would probably result with even more money out of my pocket. So why bother? I drove my car and the check engine light would come on and i’d routinely get it checked for any other problems, and refused service when someone said my ERG flow needed to be fixed.

So all of this came to back to rear it’s ugly head today, when I went to get my smog test so I could renew the registry on my vehicle. The man said he could not approve my vehicle because my check engine light was on. Now, I’m already at a disadvantage because it was my last day of registration and I had my appointment at a DMV in 15 minutes.

Which is my fault right? I waited too long. They’re not responsible. Well no matter how many times over the last four years I’ve told them to correct my address, no matter the fact that I had called 6 times in the last five weeks to get my registration sent to me at the correct address, they have continually failed to update the address and send me my information.  Why does this matter so much? Because the registration notice includes your “renewal ID Number” which is the only way you can renew your car without missing work and going to a DMV in person. And missing work is a last possible option for me. That’s right, you can’t call and obtain your number, you can’t email, you need it snail mailed for some absolute nonsense reason. So after 5 weeks of pleading with the DMV, I was out of options and scheduled the first possible appointment which would only make me a little late to work and that happened to be the last day of my registry.

Which brings us back to me getting the required smog test, which I didn’t realize was required of me. I thought it was every two years, but it’s every two years within renewel, which means my year and 1 month status counts as 2 years for the registration renewel purposes. But did you know that if it’s outside the 2 year window with a renewal purpose it’s technically expired? (Meaning if you get your smog test a few months before your renewal, you still need to get one in the last few months of the next two year window for it to be considered a legally drivable vehicle). Most people don’t know that and I don’t blame them because you know it’s the literal definiton of a double standard. FUN STUFF.

So I explain all of this and the smog test guy is nice and helpful and gives me a number of a “Refugee Service” that can vouch for a car that has a problem like mine. I leave and call to cancel my dmv appointment, then call the service once I’m at (and late) to work. they say “sorry we can’t serve you without a failed smog test notice.”

“But the guy recommended me to your service and wrote down the number?”

“We need a failed notice to go forward.”

“But that will cost me lots of money to get a test I know is going to be failed anyway and then you’ll charge me for the same smog check service?”

“Sorry it’s policy.”

Fine.  I’ll have to go back to the guy and pay for a failed smog test. I then go onto explain the problem to the Refugee service and she says, even with all my documentation: “This car isn’t on our list of cars. This will probably very hard to prove. You should probably just get it fixed.”

“But it doesn’t need to be fixed. That’s not how it works, I just explained it y-”

“If it’s not on the list you have a battle ahead of you. You should try to get it fixed.”

“Yeah. But even if I fix it, that won’t help. The light will still be on.”

“But that’s not my problem.”

“WHAT? That’s the definition of your problem, that’s what you guys do right?!?! You help people who have nonsense problems with their cars get passed the too rigid laws that don’t account for problems exactly like this one.”

“Yeah, but we’ve never seen this problem before.”

“But thousands of others have. I can show you. Wouldn’t I just be your first for this particular company then? I mean hasn’t this happened before? This doesn’t even make sense.”

“Um… [long silence except for the sound of gum chewing].”

“I’m going to look for another refugee service.”

“We’re the only approved ones in california”

“Well then let me come in to talk to your supervisor.”

“Just get that failed test notice first.”

I hang up. The girl was actually nice sounding, but just didn’t get what was going on. It’s that simple.

Look, we all know dealing with a bureaucracy is a pain in the butt. So what? everyone has to do deal with. And everyone’s situation is unique to them and everyone has a specific problem. But dealing with a nuance like this is just death. What do you do? How do you convince people to help you? Everyone thinks I’m trying to pull one over on them. I feel like that scientist in that annoying blockbuster than knows the truth and everyone thinks he’s crazy. Bureaucracies are a big old fact of life and they’re annoying, but when you have a black and white case they still work. Which is what they’re supposed to do. And that’s still something.

But the second you get into any gray area, that’s where it gets complicated. They’re designed not to deal with gray areas. They’re meant to make it simple for them. To refuse. To make it black and white. And that’s not how life works. I have a situation of inherent nuance. And they’d rather I not.

So all I have to say is this, does anyone know a mechanic who would be willing to shut of my check engine light, for a nonsense reading, and pass me for a smog test?

Probably not.

Don’t Like: “Sleep Systems”

Are you kidding Tempur-Pedic? It’s not a sleep system. It’s a freaking bed.

You’ve made a new and better bed? Sweet. If it’s good enough, I may even purchase one. But who are you kidding? A sleep system? In order to qualify as a sleep system, your contraption would have to have like tubes and wires going into the person’s body to help maintain hibernation or something.

Come on. It’s a bed.

Don’t Like: The National League

AKA “What John Smotlz and Brad Penny have been able to do there.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of the league: having pitchers hit keeps a certain nice symmetry with things. 9 players. 9 Hitters. The games are shorter. That’s good. It’s all very romantic. And if romance is the goal then the AL is certainly “ruining” it with DH rule.

Now. Here’s the problem. American League Teams are simply superior.

This is not to say top flight NL teams can’t win it all.  They both can and have, though not as frequently as AL teams the last fifteen years. It’s just that if you do a complete survey up and down of National League Lineups,you realize that only three of them compare (phillies, dodgers, cards) with top flight AL teams (ny, boston, tampa, white sox, detroit, angels, texas). That’s a difference of 3  to 7. There are also three AL teams with 2nd tier lineups (orioles, minnesota, seattle). I only see one in the NL in the Cubbies (the mets would be but are excempt because of injuries). That leaves the bottom teir  of only four teams in the AL: toronto, cleveland, kansas city, and oakland VS. the following bottom teir lineups of the NL:  braves, marlins, brewers, astros, reds, rockies, giants, dbacks, and padres. And that means the pirates and Nationals have AAA lineups.

There are 11 bottom teir lineups in the NL and only 3 good ones. Any self-respecting analyst would tell you the same thing. You may love your NL team. You may love the NL league. But I’m sorry. That’s the reality. The Orioles would be a good to mid range lineup in the NL.  Unfortunately they play in the AL east and are therefore last.

Now the above rankings do not figure in total team quality w/ account of pitching. The giants, cards, and braves all have decent staffs with some excellent pitchers. But in terms of overall quality hitting, which you need to use for foundation and base indicator for team (because even the best pitchers are inconsistent), then it’s not even a comparison.

… This does not even include the fact that pitchers have to hit in the NL.

You may wonder why I’m so passionate about this.

Easy: Smoltz. Penny. Julio Lugo. Cliff Lee. Matt Holiday.

The first three guys were practically RUN OUT of Boston. They had long enough periods of time to prove that they could indeed play in the AL, but completely crapped out. Suddenly Penny goes to giants and his first time with a new catcher he threw 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS????!!? Against the “best NL lineup” Phillies? Are you serious? This could just be a simple fluke, but I doubt it. I watched him all year. He was throwing the same stuff last night and the Phillies were whiffing consistantly.  Maybe he was just NL familiar, but even that’s a stretch. This was Night and Day. He couldn’t get out of the 5th inning ALL YEAR. It’s absurd. Look at Holliday too. He couldn’t hit anyone in the AL (even the west). But now on the cards he’s destorying. Cliff Lee is suddenly amazing again now that he’s on the Phillies.

If there isn’t a huge difference why are big time pitchers all but demanding (and in some cases actually demanding) to go to the National League in trades? Seriously. Peavy. Halliday. Lee. They all demanded NL (though only one got it). Seriously, why are they only signing in the AL if they get huge money? CC despretly wanted to stay in the NL after he dominated there, but there was no way he could turn down that contract.

It’s not a secret. The NL is not as good. If you’re a hitter. You can do better. If you’re a pitcher you can do MUCH better. And will for the rest of time because every 9 guys is an easy out. Yes the NL is baseball in the “more pure” form… but honestly, AL teams are a lot of fun to watch. These are truly great teams getting to play and it’s especially fun when they play each other and every at bat is dangerous.

Now, this may all be an over reaction and I’m exaggerating the differnces… but it’s just just one of those dumbfounding things. The AL is truly better. People say the league is cyclical and the NL will be better soon, but that won’t happen unless some clubs get some more money and every good pitcher goes to sign there (an actual possibility). But guys will keep getting lured by those big money contracts on top AL teams. Thems the breaks I guess.

Okay hold on. Phone call.

[time passes]

… I just got signed by the Pirates.

Don’t Like: The Sobering Reminder of Fragility from the Smell of Fire Outside and Ash All Over My Car

This video is actually pretty badass. But you could see how it would be scary as hell if you lived right by there. Where we are is supposedly a safe distance away, but this is going on in LA county, on the northern ridge of the valley. The weather conditions are supposed to become more humid, which should help.

It smells like burned hair and wood chips outside.

My car looks like it has specks of gray snow on it.

At least I’m not shovelling my driveway?

Don’t Like: My interaction in the coffee line / Like: My interaction in the elevator

So someone wonderfully pointed out that my site is turning into a movie review site. Sorry. I’ve just been seeing lots of movies and they’re on the brain.

So here comes the daily observances of foibles.

This morning I was in line to order a coffee. I do this about once a week, if that. This is what happened:

Me: “Hi can I get a small latte.”

Barista Lady: “What kind of milk?”

Me: “whole.”

BL: [not hearing me] “we have soy, skim, 1%, 2%-”

Me: “whole is fine.”

BL:  “Regular?”

Me: “yeah.”

BL: “you sure?”

Me: “yes.”

BL: [realizing she came off as judgemental] “Sorry. it’s just no one’s ordered regular for weeks. I gotta open a new one.”

… ah life in California.

LATER, IN THE ELEVATOR:

Two girls walk in. They know and talk to each other. One is holding  plastic bowl with a covered top. They put oatmeal in these at the breakfast place downstairs. I just stand to the side.

Girl 1: “Oooh. you got breakfast.”

Girl 2: “yeah”

G1: “What kind of oatmeal?”

G2: “Not oatmeal.”

G1: “Huh?”

G2: “Oh. No. I just crammed this sucker with bacon.”

I laugh out loud… They both look at me.

Me: “That’s awesome.”

[EXEUNT]

Don’t Like: The New York Post’s Decision To Post Erin Andrews Spy Video Pictures and Including A Distasteful Cartoon As Well

(note: this is not page with the picture… I’m not going to do that)

Ragging on a rag like The New York Post (eh, get it?) seems like a waste of time. It’s a nonsense paper, with a nonsense agenda, designed to make money, and it does. Fine.

I’m also not here to get political. That would be pointless. Dismissing a sensationalist paper for it’s politics completely misses the point as they are inherently designed to piss people off or go the extra step out of bounds on a given angle (politically speaking of course). Does it potentially have a negative effect? Sure. Do I like that so many people read it? No. It’s just doesn’t make sense to rail against this because it’s an inherent reality of the mud slinging business. And most of their gossip rag stuff is completely trashy, but appropriately trashy in the larger sense. In other words it’s exactly the kind of nonsense you’d expect to find in any magazine like that.

So then The Post went along the other day and ran a story on page 1 referencing the now unfolding and infamous Erin Andrews story. If you have not heard, the ESPN sideline reporter was recently filmed with a peephole camera as she was changing in her hotel room. It is a significant offense. Highly illegal. And rotten to the core. Honestly, I did not find that it happened that surprising. Erin Andrews has a vehement, vocal, and often juvenile fan base, stemming from the fact that she is an attractive, capable woman and is a member of the sports world, particularly college sports. That lends itself to a certain kind of attention. She is also a decent sideline reporter (my qualms are more with actually sideline reporting and not her performance itself). The problem with having this kind of celebrity-like admiration is that she also a sideline reporter and NOT a giant celebrity with security and protection and all the like. Honestly, I’ve worried for her safety in a variety of situations.  Sure, she seems tough and no nonsense and all that good stuff; she’s probably perfectly capable of taking care of her self… but still. I worried about, I dunno, something like this.

Most of the major papers have and simply abstained from referencing the story all together… but The Post? They ran an article about her outrage… including a screenshot from the video (a barely censored one).

This is absolutely deplorable.

More than than that it is actually illegal. They are posting a pic which was from an illegally shot video. Admittedly, I do not know the finer points of the law concerning this issue, but I know that that kind of act is illegal and grounds for legal action. The Post have since taken it down on the website version of their paper. But probably more because people are pissed (even within their regular readers). This sentiment is also not to imply that I, or some of the people who complained, are some kind of prude or believe that sexuality has no place in modern media. Who can’t understand why a lot of people would want to see a naked video of someone famous? Particularly an attractive famous person.  It’s just that I recognize the inherent difference of a video obtained through such incredibly dishonest and violating means. Not helping matters is that some people are confusing the release of this video with the “release” of some other famous celebrity videos; they don’t understand what the big deal or difference is and why this video can’t legally be posted.

There isn’t even a comparison. Those videos were released with pre-made deals and financial compensation. It was planned. This video was not.

Which leads to something else The Post happened to do in that edition of the paper. They printed this cartoon.

There are three possible meanings you can take from this cartoon. The first is that modern corporate/celebrity culture uses sex and personal stuff to sell sell sell. Which would be valid. But that would be giving a lot of credit. See the problem is those 5 blatant ESPN signs, which means the second possible meaning and perhaps most obvious is that ESPN planned or wanted this video to come out. Or is somehow glad. Which is malicious and implies they are a morally bankrupt organization… which I find to be anything but the case for the company. It also completely discounts the fact they’ve been running around like crazy suing websites and LEGITIMATELY trying to shut it down. If anything ESPN has been the one major sports coverage unit that has really, and truly tried to abstain from sexualizing sports. They consider themselves a family network. They really do and seperates themselves from Fox Sports, which has no qualms about doing so (the great irony of this being that Fox sports is 1000 times more likely to have the kind of behavior/viewpoint shown in this cartoon). The third meaning, and most offensive, is that Erin Andrews was in on it. Which if that is the intent, is probably the most heinous, sexist, cynical, violating tone I can think of for a situation like this.

Once again… this is absolutely deplorable.

Yes the cartoon probably falls under free speech and probably has the legal standards to run… but then I have the right under free speech to say this probably should never have seen publication and if I ran a paper it wouldn’t… ever.

This sounds like I’m getting all high and mighty and holier than thou… I know… I’m sorry. True, should I expect anything less from society? Is this really THAT big a deal? I’m not sure. But sometimes I get tired of being cynical. I get tired of just ignoring shitty behavior just because humans are inclined to be shitty sometimes. But every once and awhile it’s okay to call a duck a duck. Their actions are egregious. It deserves to be called out.

In response to the whole affair, ESPN has blacklisted any Post reporters from their coverage and removed their access to any ESPN broadcast. This will have an immediate effect on their coverage and will hopefully hurt them financially.

But for Erin Andrews, in a perfect world, she would sue for posting the picture and defamation of character for the cartoon. She has a legit claim with the picture, but the cartoon claim would be thrown out under free speech. And since the post is part of the News Corp empire the history of two mega corporations suing each other tells us that it would be so bogged down in various stalls and litigation as to be a complete waste of time.

So in the end, ESPN made the right call.

For me, the whole thing has no effect, really.

I will continue to never read The Post.

Like: 500 Days of Summer / Don’t Like: The Guy Who Co-Wrote 500 Days of Summer

So every once and awhile I’m privy to one of those neat screening/Q+A things with the makers of a movie. They can be pretty fun. I don’t like going to them for big-fun-type movies as the audience for these things are usually pretty jaded. But I just recently got a chance to see 500 DAYS OF SUMMER in this aforementioned manner.

The film is actually pretty charming. It’s emotionally simplistic to a degree, but it wears it’s heart on it’s sleeve and while many of the creative devices have been done (or even done to death), it does them earnestly so, completely refraining from diving into an irony induced coma; which is admirable. The film has a particularly wonderful first 30 minutes or so, filled with all that good stuff one likes: humor, cleverness, bluntness, creativity, and perfectly paced cinematic devices (not to mention and excellent use of title cards). And then it’s not as if these qualities disappear from the film completely, but just that the sharpness and clarity of the intentions haze into a kind of murky area. It just falls into a pattern of redundant scenes where, I dunno, stuff happens. That sounds like a lazy statement on my part but I assure it’s not. Since we know where the whole relationship is going (it is declared so at the beginning) we just get a run on in juxtapositions, which again are very fun at first, but the transition game eventually wears out its welcome. Luckily the film ends aptly, and without any resolution-y hiccups. All in all, it’s good stuff.

Sure I had minor quibbles. The kind of stuff you overlook when being sufficiently charmed by a movie (which I was): The very admirable and talented Joseph Gordon Levitt plays the all too familiar lead of the blank slate generic sad sack of a man who gets wooed by the manic, tempestuous girl who doesn’t want anything serious or permanent in life. It’s a tale as old as time, yes, and Zooey Deschanel’s Summer is appropriately enchanting. But I didn’t sense there was a real understanding of her character, and what she wanted in life. Of course the film makes no bones about conveying that JGL’s character does not understand her either and that is much of the source of conflict. But shouldn’t the writer have some idea? The world of the movie itself? I dunno. If one thinks like that than in retrospect you kind of have a hollow feeling about 500 Days. True, JGL comes out understanding the most basic of lessons, but just barely so. It’s a very juvenile point in the love development path, but once again, the film was charming so I was ready to go to war of the sort of obviousness and juvenility that wasn’t apparent to the main character.

We almost left before the Q+A… In retrospect I wish I did.

(First off, in order to discuss this I must get spoilery. If you you want to see the movie and plan on enjoying it. Stop reading. Cause I’m about to be dispariging.)

The film has a great opening in which the author makes it clear he has some anger with the real-life surrogate of the titular female. It was a great thing on the screen and got big laughs. But I thought it was a comic exaggeration… you know… something for effect.

Boy was I wrong.

500 Days of summer is about a sad sack who falls in love with a girl who doesn’t love him the same way and can’t commit to him. Why does he? Cause we like the same music! She’s not a vapid whore! She actually talks to me! She validates my existence with her acknowledgment! It’s sad sack story for a reason; while most guys have been there at some point in their life, no doubting it, there’s still something very juvenile about it. There are so many real-life girl and people issues to get into without resorting back to the “girls just don’t like me” issue. It’s just a juvenile issue. I’m sorry it is. That doesn’t mean it’s not valid. But it’s, like, a high school thing… That’s not a love story for 30 year olds. And this is a film about 30 year olds.

So when I was there watching the co-writer speak… ugh… He was clearly very nervous and that’s fine, and he had some funny anecdotes and really seemed to mean well… but then things just kept becoming very apparent… I really hate speaking like this, but these are kind of inescapable conclusions the audience seemed to be coming to… and not to be crass, or judgmental, but… I have never seen or listened to someone who seemed like a nice, well-intentioned guy who was really so secretly angry, resentful, neurotic, self-pitying, self-centered, insecure, juvenile, and all in all kind of a general pre-occupied dick about his own state of life. It was as if the whole world was mean to him and that’s not fair! True, none of this was that overt, but it was practically oozing out of every word he said. The Stuff-I-Like-Gal came to the same exact conclusion and we made virtually no conversation or gesture or eye roll during the entire Q+A. And yet we came to the exact same conclusion. Terribly unfair of us? Possibly. But possibly obvious too: The guy angry little man.

And look, it’s not as if one can’t be an angry, resentful, neurotic writer and have angry, resentful, neurotic protagonists. But you have to display some clue about your own self-identity. Woody Allen was the master of this because he UNDERSTOOD that all the problems/conflicts in his oeuvre were ultimately of his own doing. And for decades, it was fascinating to watch. Lots of others writers did it before and lots have done it since to pretty entertaining results.

And this poor screenwriter… He didn’t get that it was all him. He really didn’t. You see 500 DAYS OF SUMMER was based on his real life. Almost to a T. And as he talked you realize, he didn’t get that it’s about the kinds of girls he was attracted to. In the film, JGL never acknowledges any of his own shortcomings. In fact his character has none. He’s the perfect nice guy. The world is too tough on him and he’s lonely and all he needs is a girl to reflect the love he shows her everything is perfect. But of  course the girls can’t do that. They’re flighty creatures. They break up with him so, Summer is the encapsulation heinous evil bitch who broke up with him. Really, even though they weren’t in those blunt words, he was outright saying this!

And watching this co-writer, coming to that realization… it sort of ruins 500 DAYS OF SUMMER. The film just wasn’t what I hoped it was when the credits rolled. I had hoped it was just a clever movie where a couple of writers crafted a great story with humor and drew on life experiences…

… Instead, it was the story of this asshat’s life with the lines he wished he said.

There is nothing worse in the writing world. Granted, it’s probably the best version of that kind of thing I’ve ever seen (funny, charming, whatnot). And I understand the inclination to write the story of your life. It’s something every writer sort of goes through when they first start writing. But eventually they realize just because “that’s the way it happened” doesn’t mean it has any sort of validity whatsoever with the realm of the screen, or page or whatever the medium of the writing (Todd Solandz’s first half of storytelling is about this very subject, and it’s an extraordinary film)… But this guy didn’t get it. Or who knows, maybe he did and couldn’t get over those hangups so he just barged ahead anyway. I’m not really sure. I just know the kinds of things he was saying:

He said the entire movie was based on two girlfriends who did the exact same thing to fuck him over.

He acknowledged that neither of these relationships lasted longer than 6 months (wow, what life changing time frames!).

He actually said the entire movie happened to him with the exception of a dance number and one other scene. He was bragging about this. He wanted us to feel bad for him. Like he got a raw deal. Again, screwed over by these bitches.

He bragged about being on set as an “authenticity” expert and being sure they got the details of how it really happened.

He talked about how the entire script was nothing but a way of dealing with the break up.

He talked about how insipid and self-involved the two girls who inspired Summer were. And that when they read the script they had no idea it was exactly about them and said they identified with JDL’s character. Then turned to us screaming about how “THAT’S SO YOU!” in shocking anger.

He admitted that the Summer character exists as an object.

He admitted that the two girls were not unlike all his other relationships too.

He admitted that the two girls were still the equivalent of clueless harpies who went on to find love after not wanting to commit to him.

He admitted that he doesn’t understand why the girls did any of what they did, but that’s “how it happened.”

He admitted that he doesn’t understand why girls keep “doing this to him.”

He admitted that the girls perspective doesn’t get any representation in this film.

He admitted that the hopeful ending isn’t real, that the new girl relationship ends just as badly, just something to convey a kind of hope to the audience.

And then it becomes obvious. The resonance of 500 DAYS OF SUMMER is in its detailed perceptions. Moments in which the audience perceives true moments because of the authentic voice. E.g. a real life anecdote being interesting, but not corresponding to a great context beyond the truth of the anecdote itself. Which means there is no real over-arching truth. No validity to the co-writer’s perspective. Which renders the entire scope aimless, unfeasible, and lacking credibility.

It is a story written by a guy who has no idea that he is the joke.

It’s a cruel statement. I’m aware. But in the end 500 DAYS is simply a tale of vengeance. A recreation of events to make them singularly sided. A self-edited history whose charm and guile may be the most upsetting things as all, because under that facade lies a film about women being basically evil. And not really getting that it’s about weak-willed men whose own insecurities betray their noble intentions. And it’s skewed to make a conclusions of the world where this kind of perspective is okay for men to have… where it is the truth… where it is good.

I’m sorry, I appreciate the will for stories to be honest as much as anyone… but no one wants to watch someone work out their psychosis at every one else’s 10 bucks.

… It’s a good thing it was a screening then.

Don’t Like: That Stan Van Gundy Turned Into Stan Van Gundy Again. Seriously. HOW do you not foul Derek Fisher???

Ohhhh SVG. You old so and so!

Seriously, how do you not foul Derek Fisher?????

I’ve been saying for a good long while that the Magic simply are a mediocre team who can occasionally go on a great shooting run. Plus SVG is the certified “Master of Panic.”

And it was all proved last night.

Why coaches don’t foul when they’re up 3 is beyond me. Afriad they are going to take a “shot”???!?! Nonsense. The seconds it’s touched across half court. Wrap em. It’s that easy. Let em shoot. Do your job and rebound. That’s how you close games.

What SVG??? You like going toe to toe and LETTING Jameer Nelson give one of the ice cold closers of the game HAVE his 3.
And this is not take away from Derek Fisher. The guy was supposedly too old and busted to be effective. Over the course of the game he just can’t put 35 minutes together any more. All game he couldn’t hit the side of a bus. But in the last two minutes you STAY on him at the three line. He’s a great closer. He’ll hit that last one. Like big shot Rob.  Like Ray Allen. Like Reggie Miller. You STAY ON HIM. You don’t give him three feet.

And you FOUL him before it even gets there.

Just absurd.

And it helps prove why Orlando should never have been in this finals in the first place.

Just a joke.

I can’t believe I actually like the Lakers better in this series.

Is it possible to not want either team to win? How glorious would that be.  Kobe not getting his ring on his own, and the Magic being laughed off the court.

Just Ideal.

Don’t Like: THE HANGOVER, only in the sense that I pretty much already saw every funny moment or comedic beat in the trailers and commercials

Say I walked into this movie without seeing a single trailer or commercial. I probably would have found it freaking hilarious. So often this is actually the way that critics see movies and it works distinctly to their benefit. But this always assumes that audiences go to see movies in a bubble. Nope. Everybody sees the commercials and they see the trailers. And all the of the advertising for THE HANGOVER has been rather funny. Heck, it got me to see the movie (though honestly I would have seen it cause I like Zach Galifianakis). So what happens when you go to see a movie and every funny part has been already seen in some form? It’s disappointing, that’s what. I feel like I was robbed of seeing the actual freakin movie.

What kind of makes it all the more remarkable is THE HANGOVER is throwing constant waves of funniness at you for the entire running time. And the trailer folks somehow freaking managed to cram a great 2 hour comedy into a 2 1/2 minute ad. Pretty remarkable.

So how does this happen? Easy. Focus groups. Studios are run by businessmen who think this practice is important. Hint: it’s not. It’s actually detrimental. But they do a focus group on a trailer and ask what the people what they would have liked to see more of in the trailer. This particular phrasing was recently a comment on mefi: “Men always answer: explosions and boobs. Women always say they wanted to see more of the story. That’s why trailers are usually filled with explosions and boobs and give away the whole story.”

God dammit that is frustrating. I could launch into a diatribe on the stupidity of moviegoers, but that seems a tad assumptive and snotty. Nope, the blame lies squarely with the focus group testers because there is a direct fundamental problem with the question itself. A trailer is supposed to make you WANT TO SEE MORE. That’s the entire conceit of the damn thing! No one really wants a encapsulated movie. They don’t and I stand by this.

Some people disagree. Matt Groening recently said on why some trailers spill all the good stuff is “smart things make people feel stupid and unexpected things make people feel scared.” Which is true to a degree, but isn’t that basically an acknowledgment of catering to the lowest common denominator? Why do we do this? To get lots of money? Yeah that’s the justification. But I don’t buy it. That amounts to nothing more than disgusting excuse. Look at the Apatow movies. Those trailers hardly EVER spoil the funniest and best parts. The new Bruno trailer leaves the best parts out and the old Borat trailer only showed the opening.  And all these movies are ridiculously successful, even with the “lowest common denominator” audiences.

So I don’t buy it. It’s an inane practice that has become nothing more then the safe, assumptive bet.

Luckily there are a few things in THE HANGOVER that allow you to get over the been-there-done-that-deja-vu of watching the actual movie. Most specifically, Zach Galifianakis finally getting the breakout roll he’s needed for years. He’s just absurdly good in this. You’ve already seen most of his good stuff, but he has a laundry list of throwaway lines and left field deliveries. My favorite of which being his pre-shots speech read-aloud. Classic stuff. I hope he becomes as huge as he should (and this guy has been toiling in the comedy scene for years).

Random notes:

-dear todd phillips: women are not evil and alternatively they don’t have to be vapid whores either. carry on.

-Ken Jeong. Nicely done. Secret weapon of the movie. Too bad your best moment was also ruined.

-Again Zach is just awesome.

-Ending picture montage practically saves the movie.