Don’t Like: That George Carlin Died (In fact it makes me hugely, immensely sad)

Man this has been a couple of sad months for great people dying. Fuck that shit.

Saying George Carlin is funny is like saying… I don’t know… Something lame. I can’t even come up with a joke. But there was a period where Carlin was THE GUY in the standup world. To many (and a great deal of comedians), he still is.

The worst part of it is that he was still doing good work. He’s done three “really late age” comedy specials and the first two were “meh” but his last one was absolutely fantastic. He really dug into the subjects involved with being an old person and how nice it can be (”we got to go, grandpa’s tired”).

Something tells me he’s excited that his friends will give him the proper amount of respect and cross his name out of the address books in 3 months.

Hate With The Passion Of A Thousand Suns: Cossack Vodka

Cossack Vodka.

The Vodka brewed in Sommerville Massachusetts. Why not “from the cool, clean waters of lake eerie!” or “from the rolling hills of Chernobyl!”? It is the worst tasting vodka in the history of history. Poor Siberian farmers made better vodka in their toilets. Seriously, it tastes like an awkward combination of sludgy and yet chalky. Basically, it tastes like elmers glue.

But there’s a bigger story here. Cossack Vodka is tied in with the story of the worst night of my life.

It was back in College when I lived in a two floor house with my 6 of my best friends from school. The night was none other than the disparaging game 3 of the ALCS in 2004 and the Red Sox had just got their asses handed to them on a silver platter by the Yankees. My roommates were also having a party at the time. It wasn’t a huge party, but there were enough people to constitute a large get-together. And most of them I didn’t know for some reason. I was extraordinarily depressed by the game and a number of other recent and decided to take out my sorrows with the time-tested approach of copious amounts of alcohol. I’m normally quite the merry drunk, but this night was bad news bears.

We didn’t have much of a choice. The liquor stores were closed and all that was left was a bottle of “Cossack Vodka” that had been sitting around for some reason. My good friend Little Mike and I decided to start taking shots in effort of comraderie. We started of with 3 quick shots to get that “quick drunk” buzz. What struck me immediately was the horrible taste in my mouth. It was Epic-Fail bad. The horror-striken taste was totally analogous to the terrible night. So we started drinking more in an effort to stop tasting it. It started an epic streak really where we consumed 11 shots in 30 minutes. I proceeded to take 4 more in the approaching 15 minutes to little mike’s two. That means in 45 minutes I had 15 shots of horrible vodka to Little Mike’s 13.

That’s a lot of awful booze.

Apparently somewhere during that home stretch we were going back and forth at our neighbors house. I don’t really remember much anymore, though I did remember this stuff the next day.

Anycrap, flash-forward a half an hour and I feel awful and I make my way to a toilet, to perform my santicmonious duty of throwing up. I immediately start thinking “this is good, just get it out, you’ll be fine”.

Thirty seconds into the proceedings Little Mike is being pushed into the same bathroom after throwing up on our friend. Needless to say, she wasn’t amused, but she was being a good sport. So there I am throwing up in the toilet as Little Mike pukes (rather messily) in the sink. It sounded like two horses dying in heat.

This went on for hours. It was not one and done. It was puke-fest 04. Getting up constantly in the night to hurl. All the next day, to hurl. I couldn’t get it off of the lining in my stomach. It was horrible. And all the while, I tasted that awful chalky texture of Cossack vodka.

Maybe the worst part of all of this was that Little Mike somehow still uses this as night where he “beat me” in a drinking contest. The first problem with this is that the drinking contests with myself and Little Mike didn’t develop til later on in the semester, all of which I won handily. The Second problem is I drank two more shots of vodka.  The third is if I knew it was a contest I could have easily handled the next thirty seconds and held it in. Fourth, I never would’ve puked on a girl. Ssssssssssorry Little Mike.

The only good thing about it is I think of it like my “baptism by fire” and the Red Sox went on to do the impossible, win 8 straight, win the world series, and lift the curse.

But damn. When I think back to that night. I can still taste it.

Damn you Cossack Vodka.

Damn you to hell.

Don’t Like: Stan Winston, Dead at 62

Stan Winston is dead at 62.

Those of you who already know who he is, are more than likely incredibly saddened by this news.

To those of you who don’t know who he is, here ya go:

Stan Winston was THE BEST practical effects guy in modern Hollywood. What’s that actually mean? It means he was the guy responsible invention and creation for all those amazing images that you know and love? Don’t believe me?

This guy had his hand in EVERYTHING. His speciality was make/up and creatures and worked on every single Tim Burton movie (meaning he designed: Edward Scissorhands and the Batman suit). He worked on every single James Cameron movie (designing The Terminator, Aliens, and in the upcoming Avatar). He did all of Speilberg’s creature stuff (Jurassic Park, AI, etc). He designed The Predator from Predator for pete’s sake. He did a lot of workman-like stuff too with Consantine (the only good part of the movie). Most recently, he even did the incredibly awesome Iron Man suit.

Apparently he’s just the nicest guy, who happened to be the most enthusiastic worker too.

It’s really sad.

One comment on a me-fi thread (props to Kevin for this)

“This man invented my childhood.”

Don’t Like: Edward Norton (But It’s Complicated)

Send hate mail now.

I really don’t know what to say. It’s not like he’s a bad actor. He’s never sucked in anything he’s done.

It’s just he hasn’t been that good either.

Am I crazy? His breakout film Primal Fear, was a gimmick performance. Don’t get me wrong, he was more than serviceable in the role, but it’s a gimmick movie centered around a gimmick performance. We see them all the time on Law and Order, and CSI. It’s not all that remarkable. All those accolades heaped on Edward after the film’s release always left me puzzled.

Since then he’s showed up in every film, delivering his straightforward lines with the same bland, monotone voice. Sure, it’s not Keanu levels of absurdity or dumbassery, but the same even keeled delivery is there.

Edward’s big advantage is he seems like a pretty smart guy. I know he likes to write and contribute to the screenplays of his films. That I can respect (mostly because of the good results). He always seems to pick good projects and good roles, which again is a total compliment. In the age where most actors don’t seem to really get it, he gets it. For example, most actors like to mix it up between pay gigs with strategic prestige gigs… only they have no idea how to pick either. Instead Norton likes to do both but always approaches it from the strength of material perspective first. It’s nice to see.

I’m actually pretty excited for The Incredible Hulk (mostly cause I hear it’s pretty fun)

But still. As an actor? Just regarding performance?

He’s just not that good.

UPDATE: I saw the Hulk last Thursday, and dare I say it: I really liked him in that movie. He had a nice calm and focused performance. Good show ole’ chap.

Don’t Like: The Fucking Cops

Stupid Fuzz. Always trying to kill my buzz!

They always hassle me when me and my friends go to to the mall!

They just roam around and do nothing and mess with kids who are just hanging out and not doign anything!

Those fat donut eating jerks!

BOOOOOOO COPS!!

Oh, shit they heard me.

SULLY! HIDE IT AND RUN!

Don’t Like: Defective Coffee Lids (PART II)

I have a temper about the weirdest shit. It rarely, rarely, rarely comes out and it’s almost never directed at humans. Why not humans? Cause I can usually understand the fallacy of human error and chalk it up to individual interest (basically objectivism). No, what usually gets me angry is incredibly stupid stuff like traffic patterns, or in the case of today: THE SAME FUCKING DEFECTIVE COFFEE LID.

This is BS man. I got some coffee (which again, I rarely do) and didn’t even fill it up all the way. I put the lid on. Walked outside. INSTANTLY SPILLING OUT BOTH SIDES OF THE CUP. Luckily, I was smart enough to bring napkins this time to help take care of the mess. I had to pour out a bunch of the coffee out into the trash to even get it mobile. Lo and behold, I get into the elevator and the lid starts spitting out coffee when I’m pretty much perfectly still. My hand continues to burn and I finally get upstairs to my office. I pour more out (i have like 1/2 a cup by now) and finally sit down to drink this thing because I’m tired and desperately need caffeine.

I check to be sure the lid is on extra tight again. I raise it up… instantly spilling out from underneath the lid and onto my jeans.

Needless to say I hurled that fucking cup across my cube. Yes, it was at my trash can and it went in, but coffee is now everywhere. I made a half hearted attempt to clean it up but now it just smells like coffee.

Now this is usually the point where you suspect someone has an anger problem. But like I said, I only do about the weirdest shit. And I don’t even care, cause that coffee lid can totally kiss my ass. How can we not make coffee lids that work?!??!!

So why don’t you analyze me interwebs! ANALYZE THIS!

Don’t Like: Lorne Michaels

I’m sorry something just rubs me wrong about this guy.

I mean, sure, he’s responsible for Saturday Night Live and ushering in most of the good comedic talent to come out of this country (and Canada). Sure, he’s probably a good guy and all. Sure he produced Kids in the Hall. Sure he produces one of my favorite current sitcoms, 30 Rock.

But doesn’t something just seem off about him?

Maybe it’s the fact that Dr. Evil was based on him. Maybe it’s cause he seems like the annoying, glum, stubborn straight man in a room full of lovably entertaining goofballs. Maybe it’s cause he’s obsessive with the timing of the show (SNL). Maybe it’s because he’s supposed to be an odd control freak in the least-control-freak-friendly-environment imaginable. Maybe it’s because I’ve never found his dry humor all that funny. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.

But he just seems like a dick.

/Oh yeah and he keeps rejecting my SNL sketches I send in about how men are like this and women are like this

//and by send in, I mean leave crudely written sketches on his front door

///and by leave on his front door I mean put in his shirt pocket while he sleeps

////he’s a beautifully peaceful sleeper

Don’t Like: Crippling Cocaine Addiction Circa 1979

Remember when everybody did coke? Those were the days. It was nice and safe for you. Even the Nixon and BNDD (now called the DEA) thought it wasn’t that bad for you.

Actually it was.

I used to hang out with a bunch of Miami drug kingpins back then. I didn’t touch the stuff on account of my hayfever. But damn it made them do crazy things. I once saw them… actually I shouldn’t say.  The point is it was bad. Sure they made a lot of money. Sure they were never really arrested and they’ve gone on to live productive, family centered lives after selling off their distribution lines. But well… you know… Don’t do drugs!

[note: none of that stuff actually happened and I wasn't born yet]

Some facts courtesy of WIKI:

Cocaine (benzoylmethyl ecgonine) is a crystalline tropane alkaloid that is obtained from the leaves of the coca plant.^[2] The name comes from “coca” in addition to the alkaloid suffix -ine, forming cocaine. It is both a stimulant of the central nervous system and an appetite suppressant. Specifically, it is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, a noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor and a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Because of the way it affects the mesolimbic reward pathway, cocaine is addictive. Nevertheless, cocaine is used in medicine as a topical anesthetic, even in children, specifically in eye, nose and throat surgery.

Its possession, cultivation, and distribution are illegal for non-medicinal and non-government sanctioned purposes in virtually all parts of the world. Although its free commercialization is illegal and has been severely penalized in virtually all countries, its use worldwide remains widespread in many social, cultural, and personal settings.

Don’t Like (Yet Still Part of Me Likes): That I’m Already Seeing WAYYYY Less Laker Flags

For those unaware, whenever the Lakers start achieving a modicum of success in the playoffs (usually it has to be making it to the conference finals, or NBA finals) Angelinos start putting these dumb-ass flags all over their cars. The fact that these only come out when the Lakers are championship bound is the sure sign of a fair-weather fan base and all around crappiness.

I walked into work last Thursday wearing my Pierce jersey (totally awesome) and got not only the reactions of “Boston!? YOU LIKE BOSTON!??!” (to which I have to calmly tell them “I’m from Boston”) but better yet got a vast amount of scoffing at the very notion that Boston had a chance to win this series.

Whenever I pointed out that they did, I received the nicely ironic rebuttable of “then why are the Vegas odds so against them!?” Luckily that one’s easy, LA gamblers outnumber Boston ones in Vegas about 7:1. Boom. Easy. The line is meant to split the votes, hence, bigger odds.

Flashforward and here we are with the Celtics up 2-0. Needless to say no one is scoffing at me today, but ALREADY, there wasn’t a single Lakers flag on the way to work today. For the last week I’ve seen at least 30-40 no lie (there’s a lot of cars in LA). This morning, people have event taken down their Lakers memoriablia down from the front doors of their offices.

Are Lakers fans THAT fair-weather? I thought this is was a real rivalry and they’re jumping ship at the first signs of trouble? I like this cause it confirms their lameness. Yet, I want the intensity. I want the rivalry!

Of course, I fully expect these sullen ninnies to be back on the bandwagon, flying thier dumb flags, and saying “I told you so!” when the Lakers scratch together a couple of wins.

Or if they lose game 3… “Lakers? Nah. They suck. I Never liked em”

/PS. Big ups to Leon Powe.

Isn’t this supposed to

Don’t Like: Hillary Supporters Turned McCain Supporters (PART 2)

What follows is the letter from Hillary addressed to her supporters. It’s a fantastic letter and speaks for itself:

I wanted you to be one of the first to know: on Saturday, I will hold an event in Washington D.C. to thank everyone who has supported my campaign. Over the course of the last 16 months, I have been privileged and touched to witness the incredible dedication and sacrifice of so many people working for our campaign. Every minute you put into helping us win, every dollar you gave to keep up the fight meant more to me than I can ever possibly tell you.

On Saturday, I will extend my congratulations to Senator Obama and my support for his candidacy. This has been a long and hard-fought campaign, but as I have always said, my differences with Senator Obama are small compared to the differences we have with Senator McCain and the Republicans.

I have said throughout the campaign that I would strongly support Senator Obama if he were the Democratic Party’s nominee, and I intend to deliver on that promise.

When I decided to run for president, I knew exactly why I was getting into this race: to work hard every day for the millions of Americans who need a voice in the White House.

I made you — and everyone who supported me — a promise: to stand up for our shared values and to never back down. I’m going to keep that promise today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life.

I will be speaking on Saturday about how together we can rally the party behind Senator Obama. The stakes are too high and the task before us too important to do otherwise.

I know as I continue my lifelong work for a stronger America and a better world, I will turn to you for the support, the strength, and the commitment that you have shown me in the past 16 months. And I will always keep faith with the issues and causes that are important to you.

In the past few days, you have shown that support once again with hundreds of thousands of messages to the campaign, and again, I am touched by your thoughtfulness and kindness.

I can never possibly express my gratitude, so let me say simply, thank you.

Sincerely,

Hillary Rodham Clinton