Don’t Like: Orlando Magic being up 3-1 in a series they have no business being up 3-1 in… and ensuing deductions you have to make about modern sports as a result

May 27, 2009

Orlando is up 3 to 1 against the Cleveland Cavaliers.

How the hell is this possible? Cleveland was supposed to have a cakewalk to the finals and for good reason, they played fantastic all year long. So how is this happening?

I’m calling it the NY Giants Corollary. A team that was pretty much dismissed as dysfunctional meanders into the playoffs, gets hot at that moment and suddenly becomes a complete different team. It happened again last year with the Arizona Cardinals. They were a joke and suddenly they were in the super bowl. And we’re watching it right now with the Orlando Magic. Don’t get me wrong, I like seeing Dwight Howard come of age right before us. I like underdogs playing above their talent. One of the greatest sports runs I’ve had as a fan was th e2001 Pats playoff run (even including apparent divine intervention and tuck rule discrepancy in Oakland).

But the sports fan in me also hates it with a vehement passion. Because what happens with the minority occurrence becomes the majority occurrence. It robs the moment of any kind of meaning. Every year any team can just “put it together” for a few weeks and contend. I’ve watched this Orlando team all year. They were streaky. They had major problems. Guys wouldn’t show up. Either Howard played well or the rest of the team did. As of Game 6 in the Boston series, they became a radically different team. They were efficient. Their “3 Ball” game suddenly became less reckless and desperate. They found a functional ball movement with Howard. He figured out better ways of getting down low (he still has no post game though). Petruis (Spelling?) suddenly became lights out… or SVG finally just, you know, starting playing him. And speaking of SVG I’m supposed to believe the ultimate headcase has suddenly just become and excellent coach? Cause that’s what he’s been doing this series: coaching the hell out of it. No. That’s not “who he always was.” This guy had shown a complete lack of coherence and confidence his entire career. Now he just “figured it out”? I don’t get it.

It’s a completely different team and we’re just supposed to say they were there all along?

I don’t know. The Cavs have been the best team in the NBA all year long. They’re not just suddenly sucking or anything. Maybe this is the Magic coming of age but part of me believes this is just like the Colorado Rockies in 2007; they’re just getting hot at the right time. Statistically they’re on a whole other level right now. It’s seems to come out of nowhere.

Maybe I’m wrong. Casual and some serious sports fans seem to love it. But that makes no sense to me. I like seeing teams just play at incredibly high levels. I don’t need to see a close game. I need to see great basketball. Great football. Great baseball, etc. When both teams play great? Perfect. But when a team is just playing at its height, dominating a season then coming to the playoffs to take care of business and go toe to toe with rivals? That’s the best. The 90s bulls. The 80s lakers/celtics.  That’s the best basketball. And yes Orlando is playing wonderfully but I just get this sick feeling in my stomach that its inconsistent with who they are.  They haven’t shown even flashes of this ice cold killer instinct they’ve had on display since game 6. I’m less amazed and more bewildered.

In an age where the exception becomes the rule, I’m still trying to be a fan of the rule.


Like: This LaDanian Tomlinson/Polamalu Nike Commercial

October 16, 2008

I’m sorry, but this commercial is freaking awesome.


Don’t Like: Al Davis

October 1, 2008

This guy is absolutely nuts.

I’m sorry, he’s absolutely lost it.

Yesterday was a complete embarrassment for a sports organization… if it wasn’t embarrassing enough already.

As for the validity of whether or not Lane Kiffin is a “professional liar”…

You know what? I can’t even get into it.

Anyone who tries to micromanage a coach should put on the headphones and coach himself.

That’d be a sight.

… I can’t believe better games get pre-empted for this BS-soap-opera-storm-of-shit.


Don’t Like: That I Can’t Watch The Football Games I Want

September 25, 2008

I live in Los Angeles.

I grew up in Boston.

I really like the four Boston sports teams. Always have. Always will.

I have basic cable. I don’t have direct tv. I don’t have NFL sunday ticket. Why? Because I can’t afford it. Probably at some point in the next few years I’ll be able to waste an inordinate amount of money on that but right now I can’t.

So I figure I can get a few games of the Pats this year because they still have a bunch of nationally syndicated games.

Better yet, Los Angeles doesn’t have a home football team so that should be easy right?

Yeah except for some reason the NFL counts the SAN DIEGO chargers as a home team AND the OAKLAND Raiders as a home team.

Fuck it, why not the St. Louis Rams while they’re at it?

FUCK YOU NFL broadcasts, with your dumb monopolies. The bad kind… not the game.


Like: Additional Badasses (Part II)

September 23, 2008

Per popularity of the other column. Here’s more awesome badasses that were suggested…

Ronnie Brown – and we will never speak of it again

Dumbledore – it helps that Michael Gambon is a total badass too. But this guy would kick your ass in a barfight, only use magic to clean the bloodstains up, and then have sex with your father… In front of your friend. People would be so imperssed he’d get high fives.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Yeah I said it, want to fight or something? This chick was badass.

M.I.A. – lyrical sampling: “I fly like paper, get high like planes / If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name.” or “All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!) / And (KKKAAAA CHING!) / And take your money” or “No one on the corner has swagger like us / Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless / We pack and deliver like UPS trucks / Already going hell just pumping that gas” OR “Third world democracy / Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B. / So, uh, no funny business” ORRRRRRRRRR “Some some some / I some I murder / Some I some I let go”

… so M.I.A. is a total murdering, drug dealing badass who tops the charts, has a terrorist dad (not really), and models for Marc Jacobs… look at the rest of us… we’re all lame.

Rorschach! – Go read Watchmen and you’ll understand. It’s the best deconstruction of the vigilante… well, ever. Ssssssssssssssorry The Dark Knight.


Don’t Like: Brian Westbrook

September 16, 2008

Look at him. Acting all taunting and such and such.

What an ass.

I was up 20-30 points in FOUR fantasy leagues. And somehow, every single one of my opponents had westbrook. Aside from the fact that is highly improbable for such a situation to even occur, Brian Westbrook goes on to have a lights-out game and 3 touch downs.

“FUDGE!” I yelled as I watched three of games go up in smoke. My fourth would have were it not for Tony Romo saving my ass.

The icing on the cake? DeSean Jackson.

Many of you fantasy goers have probably heard stories already and I can confirm that truth. I lost one of my games by 3 points. If DeSean had not been a colossal asshat and tossed that ball before actually crossing the TD line, westbrook would not have gotten another TD and I would have won.

What a douche. But hey, he’s probably a good guy and just messed up. It’s not like he’s ever done this in his career before.

…. Oh.


Don’t Like: Arlen Specter

May 14, 2008

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3395829

Seriously Dude? Still. You’re fucking still harping on Spygate? You want a full-on investigation like the mitchell report? FUCK YOU.

Everyone keeps digging and digging and digging and they just keep coming up with the same thing the Pats told Goodell in the beginning. He already gave them the HARSHEST penalty ever given by the NFL. What the fuck else do you want? Worse, you’re a self-professed die-hard Eagles fan and you’re getting into this over some fanboy bullshit. STOP WASTING CONGRESSIONAL MONEY.

The story is over. It was over after Matt Walsh contributed nothing new.

You’re the official fuck-stick of the week. Go hang out with Jay Mariotti. You should fawn over your mutual hate of the Patriots and give each other handjobs.