Don’t Like: That Someone Keeps Leaving the Pretzel Jug Lid Ajar

This is my 100th “Don’t Like” Post. In the interest of being epic and profound I was going to write a big-to-do on something important or some kind of commentary on the things we don’t like in society… But that kept delaying me, so instead I’m going to post some non-important Seinfeldian BS.

Someone keeps leaving the lid off the pretzel jar.

This is infuriating.

This goes beyond mere office politics. Pretzels get stale in the open air. Who doesn’t know that? How hard is it to put the lid back on? Yet it happens everyday. I’m thinking they physically CAN’T do it and feature complete malnutrition because they eat pretzels all day. It’s just stupid.

Don’t Like: When someone walks around introducing a new person around the office, then they get to me and realize they have no idea what I do

Granted I have a lot of responsibilities that span different departments.

But whatever. I’m just going to be working directly with this person and need information from them constantly.

Don’t Like: That the A/C is broken in my office

Seriously?

This sucks ass. It’s 86 degrees in here.

I’m considered taking off my pants, but someone already tried that and were escorted out of the office in handcuffs.

What was even weirder was that it was done personally by rupert murdoch.

And I think they just went into his office.

I’m gonna find a soda.

Like: This Email Spreading Around L.A. like Wildfire!

FWD:

Hey Ryan-

I’m sorry, b/c I’m covering for Lindsey’s usual asst., could you tell me, who’s Rosh Hashanah and why would he/she affect Kristi’s meeting with KN and MC?

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

Michelle

In case you’re curious, this is the answer:

Like: Gen-u-ine Police.

This may sound inanely stupid, but I’ve actually rediscovered a sense of respect for police officers.

Many people have grown up with that sense of respect, but a good deal more fall into juvenile sentiment I Illustrated in the post below. It’s the typical suburban thing where they don’t see the actual service that Police provide the community. Kids just see annoying old jerks who are trying stop them from having fun. These kids also don’t see that they’re pretty lame… Of course, I was once one of those kids.

The other thing is we’ve lost what it truly means to be a police officer in the myriad of bullshit cop shows where you have to be psychic, or a genius, or a complete antagonistic retard, or David Caruso. They are all fake identities that has no bearing on real life and give no insight into what it means to be a good police officer. And people look at real gen-u-ine police and see them as not measuring up.

Being a true police officer, is a dignified position if there ever was one. It’s a genuine public service and one that suburban America has completely forgotten about.

Of course, the distractions for police officers are well-documented: the shift of focus from service to stat busting, bullshit drug rips, career-first thinking, racism, etc (and that’s what they are, distractions from doing the job right). The corruption of urban police forces is indeed a reality, but one that is vastly over-represented and over-suspected within the community. A suspicion that often can overshadow and even put limits on the effectiveness of said Police. (quick note, statistically/IA, the best police officers are African-American).

But to all the Gen-u-ine POlice who protect and serve and do their jobs to the best of their abilities, I thank ya kindly.

Don’t Like: How Everyone Assumes I’m the Assistant For Any of the 3 Offices Right Near Me

I’m not their assistant.

I just sit near them and only one of them is even in my department.

It’s a simple mistake and I’m more than happy to help you anyway I can with anything simple. I’d be happy to drop them word of anything when I see them or even even deliver something you’re dropping. But after I explain to you I’m not said person’s assistant can you please not ask me to do assistant type jobs for them? No I don’t have access to their calendars. No I can’t go through their files and get you something they need. No I have no idea what the heck you’re asking me about.

Thank you,

Signed,

Me.

Don’t Like: Being Too Busy To Blog

Crazy busy.

Don’t Mind (New Category!): Going #2 At Work

“Love means sneaking down to the Burger King below his building to use the toilet!” – Jane Krakowski on last night’s 30 Rock.

I’m at the age in my life were I’m starting to care less and less about social fears. And let’s be honest, the issue of pooping at work doesn’t deal with social modesty, it’s social fear. Everybody poops so the saying goes and yet there’s still this ridiculous social fear of pooping within a 20 mile radius of someone you know. I know a litany of people who would rather pass a stone then poop with a known person in the vicinity. For some reason, this is mistaken for social modesty; like the idea to do anything but behave like this is gross and uncouth. Chances are someone reading this who knows me is even a little uncomfortable/completely grossed out by this post.

Yes, pooping is gross. It’s also occasionally funny in movies depending on level of inanity. Moreso, everybody does it and the idea that I should be shamed for really having to go to the bathroom kinda sucks. Screw that. I don’t worry about it. I go. I do my business. I don’t advertise. But I refuse to walk back the other way so people don’t think I pooped. Tons of people do that and I refuse. It’s like 4X’s the distance.

Bookstore Guy: “Well there’s Everybody Poops, the less popular Nobody Poops But You” Peter: “Well, we’re Catholic” Bookstore Guy: “Oh well, you want You’re a Naughty Child and that’s Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back of You” – Family Guy

… I was raised Catholic.

Like: The Sandwich Guy On The Left (though the guy on the right is good too)

Because I can rarely get away from my desk, I often have to go to the sandwich place downstairs, get something and come back up to work. Luckily, the guys who make the sandwiches are pretty good. I don’t know their names, but there’s a guy on the right always calls me “my friend” (I thought I was special until I realized he said that to everyone) and the guy on the left who looks like a latino Josh Beckett. And this guy on the right makes a damn fine sandwich. His best quality is definitely generosity, there’s always lots of quantities to his ingredients. He also takes good care and pays attention to the little things like symmetry and design. I order about 4 different sandwiches and he’s memorized them all. I just say the type of bread and he’s off to the races. With that it’s fun to see the schmucks who barely know how to order a sandwich go up and struggle with the basic concept of what they want to eat. He never chastises them or anything, but he goes through an awkward slow motion and stutter due to said idiot’s poor ordering.  Occasionally he will let out a “vamanos, vamanos, amigo!”. We have a mild rapport going, though it’s not be as personal as my relationship with my security guard Andre. He seems to have that kind of relationship with the more attractive female members of his patronage.

He also seems to like the non-tomato BLTAs as much as I do (that’s a BLT w/ avocado to you east coasters).

And hey, you know the old addage, “don’t shit where you eat!” … that came out of nowhere but it’s supposed to be in reference to being nice and tipping the people who prepare your food and not being a dick.

Don’t Like: Office Worker Laziness

Ferris was right… “Leisure Rules”

… I’m tired.