Don’t Like: My Gym

[above picture not my gym, I just find it slightly amusing]

I hate everything about my gym. Starting with the parking. The parking structure was recently named one of the five angriest parking lots in LA by Patton Oswalt. And deservingly so. First off there’s always a line to get in. Once in, no lie, every single spot is a un-labeled compact. And half the people drive SUVs and take up sometimes 2 (or 3!) spots carelessly. Coupled with the fact it’s 5 stories high with giant speed bumps that scrape the bottom of my car. Seriously, I have to go over them at an angle every time. Then driving path is so skinny that 2 cars cannot fit going in opposite directions. Add to that there is NO ONE keeping track of how full it is and 5 times in my history of attending the lot was full and the cars had to turn around at the top… only we couldn’t cause there were several cars in the same position and we had to BACK DOWN out of the garage. Why not just park outside? Cause it’s located right near Sunset Blvd and unless you get there at 3 in the afternoon there’s not an available space for a good 8 blocks. But the parking lot is so bad I often do just that and walk.

So in the amazing possibility I actually get into my gym, I have to then… be in my gym. First I enter the locker room so I can lock up my bag. Which is always fun because I get to have some huge fat guy bend over and tea bag my elbow. This occurs with alarming regularity. And it’s always the nastiest person possible. On the whole, it’s the ugliest gym in America I assure you. Not that I’m a fan of meat market gyms. Not at all. But this is basically the hauntingly ugly version of a meat market. I have stories of that make your hair stand up including the “guy without a skull”. Gulp.

Most of the equipment is actually fairly decent. Which is great only I just use a treadmill and free weights. It seems like every week there’s a treadmill replaced by an elliptical and me and the 7 other runners are fighting over the treadmills along with the latina nannies who walk on them and read the spanish version of “Us” magazine. What’s also funny about the treadmills is that there are TVs on them. Usually I’m running at a speed which would make watching tv impossible without puking on my feet, but I don’t enjoy watching tv while running anyway. It’s distracting. Last night there was a treadmill with a broken TV and people wouldn’t use it. It went down 7 people in line for treadmills and finally to me, so I went towards it and this woman stopped “No! The tv’s broken!” She was completely serious I shit you not. It was amazing. I went up and started running and people were looking at me like I was nuts.

Onto the free weights! This is usually the least problematic part of my workout except the only people apparently to qualify for these weights are Roid-Heads. Legit Roid-Heads. What gym has 8 sets of the 100 lbs dumbells and and 1 set of 35 lbs? Roid head gyms, that’s who. These guys scream routinely as they lift/shrink their balls. Sometimes I’ll sit there and watch what goes on in some kind of hidieous train wreck of acne/veiny armed proportions. The interactions between these dudes have to be seen to be believed. It’s like hynotoad.

Also the air quality is at a level on the scale I like call, “Industrial Chinese City”

When I finish I go get my bag, get someone’s ass/nuts slathered on me then go walk 8 blocks in the surprisingly chilly night air and catch a cold.

So why do I go through all this? You guessed it. I’m in a fake family deal and pay less that 20 bucks a month.

Beat that fuckers.


2 Responses to Don’t Like: My Gym

  1. drf says:

    Is the Spanish version of ‘Us’ called ‘Nosotros’?

  2. ebomb says:

    I can back up everything that was said about this gym although I wish you had told me that you regularly get tea bagged on the elbow. For I have touched that elbow and then touched my face.

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