For a blog where I spend half the time bitching about stuff I don’t like, I do try to avoid careless internet asshatery and needless contrarian bullshit, and instead focus on some kind of minuate, or larger theoretical argument. Let’s be honest, often the internet descends into “I HATE YOU’RE YOUR FAVORITE THING!!!!!!!! RARRRRRRRRR! U R GAY!!!!”. I try to avoid that. But… Occasionally I indulge in my more base tendancies. So for this week:
Here’s a list of 5 people I would punch if I saw them.
#1, Spencer Pratt
This is not a lashing out against the privileged. Nor is this a lashing out at the inanity of reality television, the inanity of these people’s self conception, nor the inanity of continual existential self-promotion. There’s plenty of people who criticize Spencer Pratt for those things (or even the Spencer Pratts of the world)… that’s not what I’m going to do.
Problems are relative. I get it. This guy was born in a great scenario to have a lack of interesting problems. He’s rich. He’s entitled. He isn’t all that bright. He’s fake. He’s conniving. He’s gloriously douche-tastic. But that’s all fine to be honest. To lament where we are placed in life is just as uninteresting as those traits we see as vile. Plus, that’s not the kind of thing that even gets me that all worked up these days. If anything, Spencer’s character traits are par for the course in this city, with the fever micro-celebrity culture is emulated early and often.
The real truth of what makes Spencer Pratt the kind of person who gets #1 on this list, is that he features a complete and total lack of any of the qualities that make someone empathetic.
When I look at Paris Hilton, beneath her constructed façade, I see a stunningly sad person. Lindsey Lohan? A stunningly confused, even naive person. Britney Spears? A stunningly damaged person. Often when we make fun of these types of celebrities there is a kind subverted humanity we overlook to make the joke or criticism. Surely, they are sitting ducks for our belittlement, but they are distinctly people. And being people and all, they inherently have value.
Spencer Pratt, however, is none of those things. When I look at him, listen to him, or hear about him, I am struck only by complete and profound vacancy. His machinations are so deliberate, sure, but even with all the sociopaths in the world who have hollow/political mannerisms, his propagation of self is purely sadistic. Look, you can stare in a person’s eyes and see something about who they are. I don’t see something in Spencer Pratt. It’s not anger. It’s cold, compulsiveness. If there was something there, he killed it long ago. I don’t know if anything ever happened to him, but I imagine him growing up in a vacuum.
Unlike other celebrities, there is no amount of jealousy. I wish I could play basketball like Kobe. My various levels of exposure to him usher a sense of outright disgust. I can’t watch his show. I can’t watch him for two minutes. I turn away because I simply can’t stand it. My favorite appearance (and others’ too) was on David Letterman, where the aging god of irony eviscerated him in the interview. What was scary was that Spencer was so unaware of himself in a way that others celebutards often display. It is as if his only happiness (not happiness, let’s use compulsive need) comes from people’s aversion to him. Not to get obtuse, but the only apt figurative comparison I can think for him is that’s a Soul sucker (key word being figurative). I’m not joking in the slightest. I was thinking of comparing him to the Devil at first, but even Damien was a conflicted being who is more or less “doing his job” to reign over the hordes of hell. Spencer Pratt, instead, seems to feed of our disgust of him and perpetuates that image to his own financial and selfish ends. It is Solipsism in its greatest form.
(Note: this completely destroys solipsism. Think about it. No one should ever drive themselves down that philosophical perspective when the best example of its functionality is Spencer Fucking Pratt)
If you notice a trend on this Punching List, it is that these people are not the buffoons of the world. Not The George W Bushes, or the Michael Jacksons, or the Anna Nicole Smiths. They are glaring targets who are simply in over their head. I just feel bad for them and making fun of them I find to be nothing more than bullyism. Instead, what irks me are the people who don’t seem to participate in human frailty: Ayn Rand’s glaring philosophical omission of the basic value partnership, teamwork, or even other people’s importance. Kobe Bryant’s total lack of emotional honesty. Karl Rove’s Karl Roveness. Brett Ratner’s complete disinterest in a medium that outright demands passion for itself. And ultimately Spencer Pratt’s complete lack of humanity. Selecting these people and their commonality was wholly unintentional I assure you. I just noticed it. This is a noticeable pattern of disenfranchised humans.
If the buffoons and easy targets of the world make me feel bad for them, then Spencer Pratt simply makes me feel bad for myself.
Judgement: Not worth being a human being.
Result: PUNCHED IN THE DICK.
Difficulty: The truth is I wouldn’t even recognize him on the street. I think that would hurt him more than anything else.
Look at this asshole.