Don’t Like: The 42 Funniest and/or Scariest Search Terms Used to Find My Blog

May 26, 2010

Reader: Beware.

You are about to stare into the dark id of the internet… and it is not pretty.

Those of you who may have your own website may be aware that you can see the search terms that one entered to click on your site. The results are often shocking.

Those afraid of being found out, don’t worry. We can’t see who you are or where you are… just the terms independently. So technically we can only see “what” you are.

I’ve seen the mind of the internet. And it is sexist, racist, ill-informed, and completely nonsensical

Without further ado, the top 42:

……….

42. Sexiest budwieser

-I don’t get it and It’s still hilarious. I have no idea why someone would search for this, nor what it even means. I sorta picture a dancing budweiser bottle.

41. Patrick swayze basketball

-Did he ever play basketball in a movie? I’m not sure about this one. Maybe something I’m not aware of. I just like it.

40. what kind of roids give you acne

-All of them. Glad to know that’s your primary concern though. Good luck with that.

39. reality tv informs people about health

-No. It doesn’t.

38. sweating basketball players players

-Players is doubly important. Also their sweat.

37. how people look when have aids

-As bad as your syntax.

36. scottish terriers fucked up dogs

-Scotties are adorable you jerk.

35. fuck her

Previously discussed.

34. 4 friends hang out with drugs

-My guess is they needed a picture. Otherwise this makes no sense.

33. Does shane black like fan mail?

-I wonder if Shane Black likes fan mail? To the internet! Really, I think most people don’t understand the difference between a search engine/yahoo answers/the concept of general inquiry.

32. Mia who is she?

-Again. The internet is not something you can ask questions to. And fyi, it’s M.I.A. and she’s a really good hip-hop/tribalesque/alternative recording artist.

31. sugar cookie death

-Sweet, sweet death.

30. black basketball player guarding a white

-I get TONS of shit like this. Vaguely racist basketball talk fuels the internet.

29. I don’t like safety laws

-Darwin award forthcoming.

28. can u play football if you have hiv

-Yikes.

27. “Busy?”

-You don’t need quotes for one word searches. And what the hell are you going to find asking this? No Idea.

26. iconic boxing images with gloves

-Hope you found some.

25. nazi+herion / naked heroin users (tie)

-The plus sign kills me.

24. kobe bryant gay pictures

-This one is really popular.

23. i like to do it with my sox on

-Notice the baseball spelling of socks.

22. old fit men

-I like to think of this as hopeful

21. “veronica lake was not a good”

-Is the “a” a mistake? Did they mean “god”. Why did they have the presence of mind to put quotes if their sentence if it makes no sense? The questions are endless.

20. Crystal meth 2008 like election

-Whereas this just plain makes no sense.

19. makes no sense

-Whereas this is literal.

18. Fear of pooping when around people

-Everybody Poops.

17. i’ve just dumped someone i really like

-Why’d you do it then?

16. touching badass buffy

-Who wouldn’t?

15. feminists but…

-Haha. One of my faves. The possibilities are endless.

14. Elizabeth taylor puffies

-Bwahahahaha.

13. Snorkel, woman / Fat people snorkeling / Snorkel fuck (3 way tie)

-Snorkel is truly a great word.

12. i don’t like football am i gay?

-No.

11. i’m going to kill you in the face

-Not in the face!

10. mr. manhattan watchmen

-The “mister” kills me. Like “mister manager” from arrested development.

9. complete ass compleat ass completely asi

-I desperately want to know how this ends.

8.  jessica alba mayo

-Gross imagery abound!

7.  how do i pick a title for my memoirs

-If you have to ask this question you probably shouldn’t be writing memoirs. Or writing in general.

6.  iron giant sex

-Oh god. We’re entering weird cartoon nonsensical fetish territory. This one actually makes the LEAST sense of any cartoon to boot… Amazing movie though.

5.  maribel – fucks daughter classic

-And it gets darker. Down the rabbit hole we go…

4 – white baseball players don’t like ugly black players

-Again. More weird basketball racism. What makes this one special is that it seems to be implying all black players are ugly… yikes.

4a – Dumb Michelle Obama Beaten Up Fuck Sex and then: Dumb Michelle Obama Beaten Up Fuck Sex Pics

-DEAR GOD. I mean… ugh. You wish you could pull out a person’s mind and look at it sometimes. See how someone’s entire fears/racism/attraction all get mashed up in this reactionary nonsense where they turn to the internet to satisfy some insatiable and completely fucked up desire. Better yet, there is NOTHING about this search based in any kind of reality. And then the insistence to come back and look for “pics” again is the icing on the cake.

3.  acceptable molestation

-Nope, it’s never acceptable

2.  my vomit is red

-Please call your doctor.

1 .  abiggail breslin nude feet

Just… I mean… god. I can’t… it’s just… GOD. Forget about the pedophilia/foot fetish cross over, and the mispelling…it’s just even the syntax… i mean… how… why… ugh… I don’t feel so good.

Forget this…

… Then again, it’s sort of scary knowing that these search terms can actually somehow lead to my blog.

… Yikes.

Honorable Mentions:

toilet plugged, self-improvement stuff i like and stuff, fuck hansbrough, who s who, love, normal kid, public speaking is like…, miss daisy racist, freakin nuts, “george carlin” 2008 photo, david merkin asshole, showtime synergy, funny internet, white and black basketball players fight, how to make the most of my gym, people who don’t like country, irish faggot, youkilis swearing espn, stuff the irish like, basketball players penis, Basketball intelligence black white, Medicine sucks, Girls pants pissing, Puking and peeing.

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Don’t Like: My Eyes Hurt and are Messed Up, But It’s Okay, It’s Not Like I Stare At Computer Screens All Day For My Job… Oh Wait.

April 21, 2009

That’s exactly what I do.

… Fuck.

End note:

-above picture is not me, nor is it my gender. However, all the rest is the same as I am currently trapped in 1996.


Like: My Reality Show Ideas

May 21, 2008

Puddy and I have recently started a television production company (note: not an actual company). Here’s our upcoming Reality TV Pilots:

Blind Date (Lupus Edition)

Are You Smarter Than A Vietnam Veteran?

America’s Next Top Actuary

Keeping Up With The Vigodas

The Littlest Rapist

Real Gun or Toy Gun: Riding with the NYPD – (“6 white kids and 6 black kids and the cops have to make a split-second decision…or else!”)

America’s Got AIDS

Dancing With The Un-Employably Homeless

Ernest Borgnine Is 93 And Widowed

White Collar Prison Break- (Mostly just dragging appeals process: “12 white collar criminals, 12 highly-paid teams of lawyers….who will prevail?”)

The Amazing Race! – (it’s just Japanese people doing math, and like, karate… [apparently this is similar to a zack galafanakis joke. apologies])

Wife Swap (For Realz tho)

The Real Alan Alda – (The legend himself competes with 10 impersonators, who’s the real one???)

Stuff In Slow Motion – (bullets, fat people… you name it)

What Wouldn’t A Paparrazo Do? – (show will be shelved after 3 episodes and a vicious string of child murders)

To Catch a Prostitute – (pilot didn’t work as Chris Hanson just ended up fucking them and letting them go)

Idea Painfully Joked About 3 Years Ago, but Now Is Totally Happening In Front of Your Eyes – That’s right. Look for this shit soon.

How am I not kidding? Real life anecdote: A unnamed network was going to do a real prison break show with 12 inmates in jail who had previously escaped from a prison. If they won the money would have went to their victims… This had a green light but was held up in OBVIOUS legal issues.

Don’t Like: Crystal Meth

May 13, 2008

Since drugs seem to be so incredibly popular… here’s some interesting info on the latest drug epedemic that is on the decline: Crystal Meth!

History

Methamphetamine was first synthesized from ephedrine in Japan in 1893 by chemist Nagayoshi Nagai.[3] In 1919, crystallized methamphetamine was synthesized by Akira Ogata via reduction of ephedrine using red phosphorus and iodine. The related compound amphetamine was first synthesized in Germany in 1887 by Lazăr Edeleanu.

World War II

One of the earliest uses of methamphetamine was during World War II when the German military dispensed it under the trade name Pervitin.[4] It was widely distributed across rank and division, from elite forces to tank crews and aircraft personnel. Chocolates dosed with methamphetamine were known as Fliegerschokolade (“flyer’s chocolate”) when given to pilots, or Panzerschokolade (“tanker’s chocolate”) when given to tank crews. From 1942 until his death in 1945, Adolf Hitler was given frequent intravenous injections of methamphetamine by his personal physician, Theodor Morell as a treatment for depression and fatigue. It is possible that it was used to treat Hitler’s speculated Parkinson’s disease, or that his Parkinson-like symptoms which developed from 1940 onwards were related to use of methamphetamine.[5]

Also the drug makes your heart explode. Or as it’s commonly referred to on the internet… asplode!


Don’t Like: Bud Light Lime, Seriously?

May 12, 2008

I’m kind of barfing looking at this picture.

First off, bud light is disgusting. It’s swilled piss and lack-luster carbonation. It’s like drinking toilet water only it doesn’t hydrate you, make you drunk, and just makes you pee. Add in the fact that I’m not really a big corona with a lime in it guy, then this is definitely a bad idea. I picture it tasting all chemically and awful like Diet Coke w/ Lime or some other awful product created in a lab.

Refreshing? Picture the opposite of refreshing… that would be Bud Light Lime.


Like: THE BALLS OF THIS HEADLINE!

May 12, 2008

THIS HEADLINE

“Clinton Creaming Obama in Ky”

http://www.kentucky.com/254/story/402089.html

zoinks!


Don’t Like: The Ooze!

May 6, 2008

Dammit why isn’t the government doing something about the rise of ooze related incident across the city? My friend was driving home the other day and saw a giant armored snapping turtle bite into a telephone pole. It nearly destroyed his car! I won’t get even get into that giant wolf thing. The ooze is bad folks. We have mutant amphibians and mammals running all over the city causing havoc. It’s not like there could possibly be any vigilantes among the beasts! Damnit, why is no one stopping  and no one is doing anything to stop the evil TGRI company from developing it!? And why are they so freaking careless with it? It seems this dangerous mutating chemical is just falling off of trucks every where and landing on animals! What a crazy world!

What’s next? A talking brain in some devo-esque guy’s stomach?